The Journal of Sir Conrad Weller
by twyxdust
Summary: well.. It's not really a journal but the story is told in Conrad’s point of view, as he is torn between choosing Shin Makoku’s fate and Julia. I’m not good at summaries but please read and review! *beta-read by poisonangel7


_author's notes: _ it's a bit angsty but i hope you like it. comments/reviews/suggestions are very very welcome.

* * *

_So close… yet so far._

Must we always be like this?

-----

I stormed into Gwendal's office and threw a stack of paper on his desk.

"What is the meaning of this?!"

Gwendal took a quick look at the documents in front of him and pushed them to the side. I breathed in and out slowly—trying to calm myself—and failing.

"It's unlike you to lose your temper, Conrad."

"Lady Julia and her unit have just gotten back from the field and you are sending her - _them_ out again?"

"I am acting under the direct orders of the Maou."

"You know that this is wrong."

I put down my palms on his table and glared at him. Gwendal returned the glare.

"Have you been to the battleground lately Sir Weller?" he asked, but he continued on, not waiting for my answer, "Then perhaps you saw that our already depleted troops and the villagers in those burning towns need healers."

"You're aware of where I've been Gwendal," I stated coldly.

"…Then I'm sure you'll understand."

Something in me snapped.

"Maybe if you took this matter into _more_ consideration, you'd realize that you're making a mistake!"

"And maybe if you weren't _so in love_ with her, you'd see reason!" Gwendal answered back as he stood up, his chair falling behind him.

I stared at him, taken aback.

"Lady Julia herself asked the Maou that her unit return to the field as soon as they refilled their supplies."

A knock came quietly from the door.

"Come in," Gwendal said, without averting his glare.

"I am here as you requested… Sir Weller?"

I turn to Julia; her eyes were as blue as the sky in any beautiful day.

_Love?_

I excused myself properly, and spoke words to Julia as if I did not know her.

_Not for us._

_----- _

A long time ago I thought it was possible.

Julia had sent me a note through a maidservant in the castle and from that I knew it was important. She had never done anything like it before.

I saw her first; she was sitting on one of the benches in the garden. Her shoulder was shaking. I sat down beside her and touched her back. Quickly, she turned and burrowed her face against me.

She let out a sob.

I held her until she was exhausted from crying—and held her still as she drifted off to sleep in my arms.

_I have a lot of explaining to do now._

I looked up at the sky and wondered what the reason for her tears was.

No words were passed between us that night. But I knew she needed a friend to comfort her. She asked it of me, and I gave it to her with all my heart. I gave to her everything that she was willing to accept.

For us, there was no need for words.

-----

The room was dark. A lone light from a candle flickered in a corner of the room. Lightning split up the sky in the distance. Then there was the sound of thunder.

A storm was coming, I thought as I looked out the large window.

I was in the room, waiting for Ulrike.

"Sir Weller, sorry to keep you waiting," a soft voice said.

"It's all right, Ulrike. If it's anything important, I am willing to be patient."

Ulrike slowly walked towards the window and stood beside me.

"How is Lady Julia?"

I smiled at the thought of her and said, "She is all right by any means. Nevertheless, she hopes, like the rest of us, that the war will soon end."

"I can see that you are close to her, Sir Weller."

"Lady Julia and I are very good friends. She has accepted me for what I am... despite what I am, without judgment."

"She has a kind heart. If you asked her…"

"She's engaged to Adelbert," I interrupted. I knew where this conversation was heading. I wondered what stories Ulrike had heard.

"Lady Julia has a destiny she must fulfill," she continued, as if she did not hear what I had just said. She was still looking outside the window.

I waited for her to go on.

"Sir Weller."

Somehow, I knew. Through her voice, somehow, I understood what she wanted to tell me.

"Sir Weller," she repeated, turning to me. "You must not."

The light from the candle flickered again.

"Shinou wills it."

Another lightning bolt came down from the sky. It lit up Ulrike's face, and in her eyes I saw deep sadness.

"For Shin Makoku's sake."

The room was spinning.

"For Shin Makoku," I repeated.

-----

We were sitting under a tree.

It was a beautiful day. The clouds float peacefully high above us. But it was all an illusion. Somewhere within the borders of Shin Makoku, our soldiers were dying.

"What are you thinking of, Sir Weller?"

I didn't answer.

"You are here with me… yet your mind wanders far."

"I'm not a Mazoku… Not even a human. I don't belong anywhere," I replied, aware that the statement was totally out of context.

The wind blew softly. We were silent.

"Conrad… If you tell me to..."

_I know. And for that reason, I can't._

"Adelbert is lucky," I said instead.

There was another moment of silence. I have hurt her. And now, I can never forgive myself.

"Yes," she replied.

I stood up against my will, and left her under the tree, Ulrike's words haunting me.

_She has a destiny she must fulfill._

_---- _

I never went near Blood Pledge Castle if I could help it.

When the Maou called for us half-humans to go to the frontlines, it was Julia who gave me the news.

She gave me her necklace—for luck she had said.

And that was the last time I saw her.

I never told her that I loved her.

----

I comforted myself with the idea that I never had a choice in the first place. I had no power to stop Shinou's will after all.

It was, in some way, inevitable.

I was not going to take away what may have been the only chance of peace from the people of Shin Makoku.

Not for her love.

Definitely not for my happiness.

Too many have died, too many have shed tears.

It was as inevitable as flipping a coin: you only get one result no matter what you do.

But in the end I realized that for that tiny moment that the coin is in the air, flipping and turning, anything is possible.

It could go either way. At one point, I did have a choice.

But that moment passed by too quickly and by the time I was able to realize it, it was already too late.

----

I watched as His Majesty Yuuri spoke with Wolfram on the balcony.

_I better leave them on their own now…_ I thought with a smile.

As I turned to walk away, I saw an image of Julia standing by the window—the light from the moon and the stars illuminating her outline.

_Julia…_

She was smiling. The curtain flapped delicately from the wind and the image vanished.

So close… yet so far.

END


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